US News and World Report has issued their declaration of the best places to retire. This is what’s wrong with each of their editor’s top picks:

  1. Bozeman, MT – Why would I want to go anywhere colder than here?
  2. Concord, NH – Same as above, with high property taxes.
  3. Fayetteville, AR – Can’t the get Clinton stench out of the linens. Tornadoes.
  4. Hillsboro, OR – Earthquakes, volcanoes and rain offset the lack of sales taxes.
  5. Lawrence, KS – Tornadoes, terminal flatness.
  6. Peachtree City, GA – Will be swallowed by Atlanta within 10-20 years. Expensive.
  7. Prescott, AZ – Too hot, too dry and on the front line of the next war with Mexico.
  8. San Francisco, CA – OMG, you must be kidding.
  9. Venice, FL – Too many hurricanes. I don’t have enough money.
  10. Smyrna, TN – Just a skosh too close to Nashville. Best choice of the 10, though.